Grueling Guinea Pig Games of the 2009 Olympics

The Guinea Pig Games (GPG) Olympics have started with an amazing opening as rascally rodents display their dedication to their chosen sports. In the struggle for survival, only the fittest win out at the expense of their rivals with their stamina, prowess, and incredible feats to win gold, silver, and bronze medals.


Their docile nature, responsiveness to handling and feeding, and the relative ease of caring for them, continue to make the guinea pig a popular pet, which furry fellas world-wide fear may be the very thing that bridges them from being taken seriously in their own class of world Olympics.

But recent events in the 2009 GPG Olympics have vindicated guineas throughout the planet from these stereotypes.
Rowing rodents Ricky and Rafael clawed their way to victory in the battle of the boats for the GPG Olympic rowing event for gold. Much to the GPG official’s amazement, the pair decided only moments before the race to switch boats like a golfer decides to change clubs.

“It’s like when you try on running shoes in the store. You try a pair of Nikes and a pair of Reeboks and one just feels better.” said Rafael.

It may very well have been the deciding factor than won them their prized medal.

Wil Liam Tell displayed his expert marksmanship with the crossbow as he took aim at his target. Tell had been promised the gold if he shot the apple nose-on, which he performed effortlessly, splitting the fruit with a single bolt from his crossbow without mishap.
It was a slam dunk when these water rats displayed no fear in the challenge to get their fur wet. Nosing ahead, Papael Phelps performed great feats in the pool, claiming 6 gold medals and 2 bronze to match the record aggregate for a single GPG Olympics, a feat which could net him $1 million from a swimwear company.

Papael says he trains for 8 hours a day in his private pool at home. The rest of his day consists mainly of feeding on fresh grass hay, apples, cabbage, carrots, celery, and spinach along with complex dietary supplements to maintain his health fitness and garner energy.
Called the Night Rider, or better known as Sir Jules (R), the British cyclist has enjoyed more success on 2 wheels than any other cycling rodent in history, with a feat of 3 gold medals under his belt at the 2005 GPG, receiving royal recognition by the Queen.

Stunned spectators watched the race in shock as the Olympic cycling champion barely won the event by a whisker in the semi-finals. Rumors have since circulated that he was distracted by the news that guineas would no longer compete with humans in the Tour de Rats in France this upcoming summer.

In a giant leap for rodentkind in the men’s pole vaulting event, Igor Bubka of the so-called “6 meters club,” broke the outdoor men’s world-record 24 times culminating in his current world record of 20.5 feet (6.25 meters).

Igor says he had a lot of practice since childhood in his homeland where poles were used as a practical means of passing over natural obstacles in marshy places in the provinces of Friesland in The Netherlands, along the North Sea.

Artificial draining of these marshes created a network of open drains or canals intersecting each other. In order to cross these without getting wet, while avoiding tedious roundabout journeys over bridges, a stack of jumping poles was kept at every home and used for vaulting over the canals.

Setting a new gold standard for his kind, Chubby Cheeks received a taste of Bad Ronnie’s badminton supremacy, losing to the austere athlete’s expert skill in the finals of the men’s GPG Olympic badminton tournament.

But the game was not without controversy of its own, when Squeakers Solomon’s coach was caught betting on his match. The gambling stint caused an outrage amongst the GPG officials and the International Olympic Committee (IOC) who called for tough love, resulting in Squeakers to be banned from the Olympics and stripped of his silver medal.

Peter Pestbrook’s (L) mother bribed him with $5 to take fencing. His talent and drive gained him a place on the 1976 Olympic Team. For more than 20 years the fluffy rodent has dominated saber fencing in the U.S. and 6 Olympics, winning the national title 13 times.

The semifinal had to be stopped for about 10 minutes after Peter lost his cork and slashed the hand of his opponent, Bitey Betus, with the score even at 42 to 42.

Pestbrook is expected to take gold for the Fencing Men’s Individual Foil, but it could be a close shave against his worldly contender.

Since 1988, table tennis has been an Olympic sport. The Chinese ping-pong team has won all medals in World Table Tennis Championships and Olympic Games 4 times, which has placed more pressure on the team.

Their head coach has maintained low goals for 2009, stating that the current team has to face greater difficulties than the last Chinese ping-pong team for game, pet, and match, but says they still have the strength to win gold medals in the 4 events.

With the amazing prowess that would make his ancestors Heracles and Zeus proud, Hairycles defeated his fellow guinea pigs in the 100-meter running race in a record 10.73 seconds, and not only took the gold, but was also crowned with a wreath of wild olive branches.

Pumping fur iron in the heavyweight true Olympic GPG weightlifting championship is Louie Long who lifted more than 5 times his weight of 13.2 pounds (6 kilos) for the title, followed by his compatriot Stinger Skittles for silver at 12.5 pounds (5.7 kilos). The bronze medal was taken by Tim Tun Tae at 12.2 pounds (5.5 kilos).

Mad Hummad Hali, widely known for his fighting style, which he describes as “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.” He’s the only guinea pig to have won the linear heavyweight championship 3 times, and the contender for this year’s gold. Hali was also the winner of the Olympic Light-heavyweight gold medal in 2005.

The heavyweight furball has made a name for himself for great hand-speed, with swift feet and taunting tactics. While Hali has been renowned for his fast, sharp out-fighting style, he also has a great chin, and has displayed great courage and an ability to take a punch throughout his career.

Splitting hairs, Lolo Lones, a beautiful world champion hurdler (L) is vying for the gold against champion hurdler Dana Dawlinson (R) who won the 400-meter hurdles world championships in 2001 and 2005 and is Australia’s best chance of a track gold.

Rani Ralkia, the reigning Olympic champion in the 400-meter hurdles, told reporters she was “shocked” to learn she had tested positive for the banned substance methyltrienolone and would be unable to defend her gold medal. A total of 15 furry pigs from Guinea including Ralkia have tested positive for methyltrienolone.

Related Posts by Categories